Archive for Weird News

The Most Horrible Parts of the Body

The Most Horrible Parts of the Body

Early in June, 2014 the world went wild with stories about Rihanna, who on June 2, 2014 walked into an event in a see-through dress.  It was an event at Lincoln Center and she was there to receive a Fashion Icon Award from the Council of Fashion Designers of America, presented by no less than the editor of Vogue, Anna Wintour! Rihanna’s gown was created by designer Adam Selman with over 216,000 Swarovski crystals.    Her critics, including Andrea Peyser of the NY Post,  felt it should have had at least 216,002 crystals, with the other two crystals covering her nipples which could be seen through the sheer material. ( I tried unsuccessfully to upload the photos from The Post but WordPress didn’t let me!)

On Wednesday June 4th the NY Post wrote an article about the occurrence, with a photo of Rihanna with the area showing her nipples blocked out.  Two days later Andrea Peyser of the NY Post, ( same paper) wrote an article she called ” Hey, nip this nonsense”, with an unblocked photo of Rihanna’s nipples, but the “nonsense” she was referring to was not the nonsense of making a big deal out of seeing Rihanna’s nipples, but the nonsense of her doing such a  dastardly thing as exposing them to public view!

What is it about the nipple that is so horrible that you’re allowed to exhibit and expose every other single part of the breast but that part?   How can such a small patch of skin with a little bump in the middle inspire such insanity in people?  Who was it who made that part of the breast so taboo, that it’s considered a sin for anyone to see it?  is it because that’s the part of the body that Moms feed their children with?

In Europe, toplessness is considered kind of normal.  European men must be geniuses!  Somehow they managed to convince European women that they could go to the beach topless, and no one would notice!  Maybe they just promised not to look!  That makes European women either the most gullible women in the world or the most relaxed and enlightened!

There are some people who still haven’t gotten over the Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson “Nipplegate” thing that happened back in 2004 during the Super Bowl in Houston, when 143.6 million people were titillated by the sight of Janet Jackson’s pasty covered nipple.  It was blamed on a “wardrobe malfunction!”  More than half a million people complained and some haven’t slept well since.  Most were women without nipples who were just jealous!

Back in the old days, burlesque queens and strippers wore pasties to cover their nipples.   Actually they still do!  And back when I was doing comedy videos for Playboy TV, I  had to audition girls from the strip clubs, and there was actually a time when they were letting them use clear, latex pasties that you’d spray on from a can.  You could actually see through them, but just the fact that there was something over their nipples was enough to get past the “no nipple” rule!

In this so called age of “equality” between the sexes, it seems there’s a real double standard!  You’re allowed to actually see men’s nipples, probably because they don’t do anything.  It’s a wonder that we have them at all.  I don’t think anyone’s ever found a real use for them.  But on a man the penis is the most horrible part that no one is ever allowed to see.  Now I’m not advocating that you should be allowed to see it or to show it to anyone, but it just seems strange from a comedic point of view, that there is a part of our body once again that is so horrible, disgusting, and obscene that you can actually be arrested for showing it to anyone.  It’s literally a crime to show someone your penis.  Unless they request a viewing!

Women have low cut tops, showing off most of their breasts.  At any fashion gala or even some spectacular event like the Academy Awards you see women with their breasts pushed up so high, they look like they’re about to pop out.  It looks more ridiculous than sexy! But again, there’s such a double standard.   Men don’t have low cut pants.  Fortunately there’s no such thing.  It’s not like you can show off the entire length of the shaft of your penis except for the tip, which would be the equivalent of a woman showing off her entire breast except for the center!

It’s funny that the two parts of the male and female anatomy used to either make children or feed them are the two parts people are shamed by and are illegal to show.  Where did that start?  Maybe back in The Garden when Eve ate the apple because the snake told her to, and man was given shame! We’ve been paying the price ever since, but for us comedy writers, it’s really just a big joke!

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The Insult of a $2.40 Settlement Check from Wall Street

In the aftermath of the Wall Street meltdown of 2008, where so many people lost so much money due to the greed and dishonesty of the people who run Wall Street, many companies were sued in what are known as Class Action Suits, … one suit on behalf of the millions of people who were victimized in some way.

These suits are taken by law firms who get a large percentage of the settlement while the victims literally get pennies on the dollar to make up for their losses, adding only insult to injury.

Today after having a pretty good day, I got home, and checked my mail as I usually do. Inside it was an envelope identifying it as coming from SEC v. Bank of America Corp. Fair Fund. Underneath that it said ” Distribution Agent”. But the word “Fair” is the operative word here.

I read a letter that said I had owned 297 shares of Bank of America Corp. and as a settlement for my losses, which amounted to more than I want to think about, I was being reimbursed the grand total of $2.40. That is 0.008 cents per share. When I first saw the letter, I thought it had said I was receiving a check for $297. dollars. That would have been little enough. But $2.40? It must have cost more than that to send out the letter and statement!

What a joke, except it’s not even close to being funny. I expected to see an “LOL” after the amount. Wasn’t the person who wrote out that check embarrassed? How do you write out a check to someone reimbursing them for their losses and have the nerve to write two dollars and forty cents?

You wouldn’t even give that to someone as a tip. If someone helped you carry your heavy packages upstairs to your house, and you only gave them $2.40, I think you would be embarrassed. I can only imagine how much money the lawyers charged for this wonderful settlement of 0.0008 cents per share. Why even bother? I’ll tell you why, because you can be sure that made millions!

Not being a lawyer, my interpretation is strictly that of a layman. In most of these cases the defendant company never admits wrongdoing. They just eventually settle, with one of the contingencies seeming to be that they do not have to admit having done anything wrong. They just settle because they want to settle and have it over with.

I’m a firm believer in capitalism. I’m not one of those “Occupy Wall Street” people, who wants to tear it down, but I certainly understand their frustration. I stopped hoping for a Wall Street windfall a long time ago. To me the market is phony b.s.

It’s a big phony mess and the only people who make money are the traders. They don’t care if the market goes up or down. They make money either way. And then when the times comes to analyze the quarter and tell you how you did, instead of telling you how much money you made, they try and explain your current status in terms of percentages.

In other words, chances are you have less money at the end of the quarter than you did at the beginning, and on the surface even though it looks like you lost a lot of money, they try and spin it to show you how you didn’t do as badly as most of the other investment companies out there, as if that’s supposed to make you feel better. And they love doing it in percentages!

Whenever I’m in a conversation like that, all I keep asking is ” How much money do I have in my accounts?” I don’t care about the rest of the story and your percentages. Percentages mean nothing to me. Less than nothing.

I can’t spend percentages. I can only spend dollars. I want to know how many dollars I have now as compared to how many dollars I had before.

They hate that. They can’t answer you that way, with the truth, because all they could say then is that they’re sorry. They tried.

One day the market is up 200 points, the next day it’s down 400 points. It’s like gambling. Like going to Las Vegas, except on Wall STreet you’re gambling involuntarily with money you can’t afford to lose.

The market is driven by fear. Listen to any news broadcast. Every day they explain shifts in the market as being caused by “fears” of investors. Who are these investors who are so afraid of every single thing?

Every bit of news that comes across their computers puts them into a state of fear, where all they can think about is selling their stock so the market goes down, and so they can share their fear with others. Fears of inflation, fears of deflation, fears of trouble in The Middle East, fears of trouble in Europe, fears of unemployment, and if I hear the term “Fiscal Cliff” one more time, I may become ill!

What a disgusting term to keep repeating over, and over, and over again on every radio and TV station in America. Fiscal Cliff. That’s where these phony Wall Street guys belong. At the edge of a fiscal cliff. They pay themselves multi-million dollar bonuses for cheating people out of their life savings.

And short-selling is something I will never understand. How it is allowed that anyone can actually make money betting that the market will go down, by selling stock they don’t even own, is only a vehicle for unscrupulous people to make the market go down. I’m not sophisticated enough to know how they do that, but it’s obvious that they do, because every so often someone gets busted for manipulating the market in that way.

If the market goes down, NO ONE should be able to make money off of that. I think that would probably keep the market going up. And I’m sure they have their self-serving reasons to explain why short-selling is necessary, but once again it’s just another lie. It’s just another reason, or opportunity for them to make money at someone else’s expense.

So I’m not sure whether I’m going to cash this $2.40 check or not, or maybe I’ll just add it to another check I once got for 99 cents on another settlement, and go out and buy a candy bar, but when I saw it I just felt so disgusted with the people who have the nerve to send out checks for $2.40 and consider themselves having done a service, I felt I had to write about it.

I don’t know how these people sleep at night. And I don’t know who I despise more, the corporate people who cause the Wall Street downfall in the first place, or the scavenger lawyers who are supposedly representing the victims while lining their own pockets with the majority of the settlements. You can bet not one of these lawyers ever accepted a settlement for two dollars and forty cents!

Posted in: Breaking News, Point of View, Self Help Information, Unusual News, Weird News

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Mark Malkoff’s Bill Murray Show

When I first met Mark Malkoff I had no idea how much we’d have in common. He’s a very interesting guy! (That’s not what we have in common! LOL) He sets himself a difficult goal and then puts all his energy into making that happen.

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Mark Malkoff of The Bill Murray Show on My Damn Channel!

Mark hosts The Bill Murray Show on My Damn Channel, and the sole purpose of the show is to get Bill Murray to come to Mark’s house in Queens and have dinner with him and his beautiful wife Christine. If I was Bill I’d go. When I went for the taping, Christine made me a great meal, and the two of them were so nice, and really fun!

So when I was asked to appear and talk about my new book “Make ‘Em Laugh” with Chris Rock, and my experiences with Bill Murray of which I had four to speak of, I was very excited to do so! Also because I love My Damn Channel and Rob Barnett rocks! (He’s the guy who created My Damn Channel, just so you know I’m not giving a shout-out to some random guy! LOL)

Grace Helbig’s “Daily Grace” on MDC is amazing and she gets millions, and millions of hits! I just saw her doing her version of “Gangnam Style” and she’s adorable, and does it so well. She must have gone to dancing school as a little girl in Korea!

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with the ebullient Grace Helbig from “Daily Grace” on My Damn Channel at the Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal!

I actually got to interview both Grace and Rob up at Montreal this past July during the Just for Laughs Festival! ( See Grace’s interview above, and Rob’s interview right here!)

So basically all the My Damn Channel stuff is super and I was psyched to be on.

The reason I relate so much to Mark is that Mark sets out to do things that appeal to him, even if they’re unusual. When I looked him up, I realized I had read about some of his exploits without realizing it had been him.

He’s a former “Colbert Report” staffer, who also visited 171 Starbucks locations in Manhattan in less than 24 hours, moved into a Paramus, N.J., IKEA for a week, and convinced New Yorkers to carry him 9.4 miles.

If I had known that I would have told him about my film I made years ago as part of the “Men Who” Series. It was part of a series of short films about men who go to work in unusual ways entitled “Men Who Insist On Being Carried To Work”! You can actually see it on my website at http://www.jeffreygurian.com, where you will also see Peter Dinklage star of HBO’s hit “Game of Thrones” starring in a film called ” Men Who Dance Where They’re Not Supposed To” and he gets arrested for dancing in a “No Dancing” zone!

So the Bill Murray thing really resonated with me because when I was in my 20’s, before I knew anyone in show biz, there were only three people I ever wanted to meet, and they were Salvador Dali, Woody Allen, and The Beach Boys, and I got to meet and spend an evening with each one of them. I actually made that happen!

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Woody Allen in a much more recent photo than when I first met him! I made him laugh by saying, ” Hi Woody, I’m a very close friend of yours!”

And that’s when I realized that if I could lose my self-consciousness, expand my comfort zone, and not be embarrassed to go out and try things, I could basically accomplish anything I wanted, and meet whoever I set out to meet!

Each of those three events is a story in it’s own, but when I realize what I was able to manifest in those days, it’s not unlike what Mark has set out to do. And if you want something bad enough there’s nothing you can’t accomplish.

I live in Manhattan and Mark lives in Queens so ordinarily I would drive, but just that day Pres. Obama came to town, specifically to mess up traffic, so I did something I never did before! I went to Queens by train! Mark gave me great directions and it wasn’t even that bad.

We had a great time and Mark speaks comedy! The guy is a fund of knowledge about comedy and was able to speak to me knowledgeably about people that were way before his time, and people that I knew well like Milton Berle, who was was my original sponsor in the LA Friars Club, Henny Youngman,Jack Rollins, Charlie Joffe, and Alan Zweibel to name just a few!

Also there was My Damn Channel’s Jesse Cowell, the Exec. Director of Original Content, who oversees 30 new series, ( not 10, or 20, but THIRTY!) that will be debuting on My Damn Channel.

Jesse was very low key but is also a lightweight karate champ and when I watched his You Tube videos of him kicking butt, I was like, … this guy’s no lightweight! (LOL) When you’re that well versed in martial arts, you can afford to be low key. It takes great discipline to get that far, and it was always one of my dreams to be that accomplished in Tae Kwon Do. One of my very few unrealized dreams!

In my interview which will air tomorrow, Tuesday Oct. 16, 2012 and will be posted on the My Damn Channel website (http://www.mydamnchannel.com), besides talking about my new book with Chris Rock called “Make ‘Em Laugh”, you’ll hear me telling my stories of my experiences with Bill Murray:

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Bill Murray at The Four Seasons Hotel in NYC! ( No, we weren’t staying there together! LOL)

1. How we originally met up at SNL in the early years!
2. How Bill Murray tried to repair my car one night during the 90’s.
3. Me and Bill Murray at a press conference for his film “Get Low”.
4. A screenplay I wrote, with Bill Murray specifically in mind for the lead called “Searching For Ed Zintz”, where as the result of a practical joke gone wrong, Hollywood winds up honoring a guy who doesn’t exist, it becomes the hottest ticket in town, people are fighting for tickets, and Bill Murray, a failed comedian, gets hired to play the guy “Ed Zintz”! But because of my ADD, I got so confused that while I was with Bill Murray, in his company, alone and right next to him, I forgot to tell him about it!

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV in yet a second photo with Bill Murray just to prove to myself I was actually there!

Well, if he comes to Mark’s house for dinner, maybe Mark or Christine would be kind enough to mention it, and then we can all make the movie together!

And then I think my next goal after that is to get my own show on My Damn Channel, and have Rob Barnett come to MY house for dinner!

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Millennium’s "The Babymakers" At The Friars- Opens August 3rd

Charlie Prince and his team always manage to get great films for the Friars Club Film Festival, coming up in October, but also to screen at The Friars Club itself. He even manages to get stars and producers to show up for Q & A’s.

Charlie Prince having a great time with Paul Schneider at the Friars Club screening of “The Babymakers!”

So even though I just got back from Montreal from being an official videographer at the Just For Laughs Festival and was exhausted from shooting over 35 video interviews with celebs like Bob Saget, Chelsea Handler, Howie Mandel, Adam Carolla, JB Smoove, and Triumph The Insult Comic Dog, I made sure not to miss the screening of “The Babymakers” starring Paul Schneider from NBC’s Parks and Rec, Olivia Munn from The Daily Show, Magic Mike, and HBO’s “The Newsroom”, actor/Babymakers producer Kevin Heffernan, and actor/Babymakers director Jay Chandrasekhar.

The Friars Club flier announcing the screening of “The Babymakers!”

(L-R) Paul Schneider, Jay Chandrasekhar, and Kevin Heffernan at the Q&A at The Friars Club for “The Babymakers!”

Paul, Jay and Kevin were there, and it was obvious from the way they got along that they had a blast doing this movie.

Jay and Kevin are two of the founding members of the comedy troupe Broken Lizard, and are friends since attending Colgate University together. Even as a screenwriter who creates characters, two nicer guys would be hard for me to imagine, and they both have great comedic presence, even while just doing a Q & A.

Actor/producer Kevin Heffernan making Jay Chandresekhar and everyone else laugh during the Q&A for The Babymakers at The Friars Club in NYC!

I had the treat of seeing them perform last night at The Bowery Ballroom to a packed, SRO crowd, and they were the same. Both of them have great comedy voices, if you know what I mean. Not every comic has a great comedy voice, but when these guys speak, their voices command attention, (and laughs!)

This film is the latest in a line-up from Broken Lizard that includes Super Troopers, Club Dread, and Beer Fest. In Super Troopers they played highway patrolmen who played tricks on people they stopped for speeding. Some of them were things I would do myself, like seeing how many times you could say “meow” to someone during a conversation, while denying you’re saying it.

Jay and Kevin actually guzzled two bottles of Maple Syrup each, during the filming of Super Troopers, which to me shows great commitment to their craft! The stomach-aches must have been intolerable.(LOL) After the second bottle, Jay found himself on the floor in a fetal position vowing to never do that again. He said he finally ran to the rest room, and he thinks he “passed” a sparrow!

In Babymakers, Paul Schneider plays a guy named Tommy Macklin, who’s finally ready to try and get his wife Audrey (Olivia Munn) pregnant, but to his dismay, finds out he’s shooting blanks. With the help of his friends, he decides to rob a sperm bank that holds a sample of his from earlier days when his sperm was still viable.

Paul Schneider, star of The Babymakers with Jay Chandrasekhar actor/director of The Babymakers at The Friars Club!

Jay Chandrasekhar plays a guy who’s supposedly a member of the Indian Mafia, and who agrees to lead the sperm theft! His Indian accent is right on, and I guess he comes by it naturally!

Jay Chandrasekhar and Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV at The Friars Club for a screening of Jay’s new film “The Babymakers!”

He, Russell Peters, Aziz, and Kal Penn have broken down stereotypes, by showing how funny Indian people can be, which I love.

A sperm bank in general is a funny concept! It’s basically the only bank where after you make a deposit you LOSE interest! And I once wrote a Friars Roast joke, (maybe about Lisa Lampanelli?), that she just got a job as the night depository slot for an all night sperm bank!

Anyway, this movie is very funny, with lots of unpredictable situations, including Kevin getting to slip and slide his way through a roomful of sperm, so if you want some really good laughs, check out the film that opens tomorrow Friday, Aug. 3rd, in theatres nationwide!

I’m just fascinated that five guys who are friends from college actually get to make feature films together! To me that is AWESOME!

And stay tuned for the great video interview I did with Jay and Kevin at the Soho Grand Hotel, which will be up in the next few days!

Jay Chandrasekhar, Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV, and Kevin Heffernan at the Soho Grand Hotel in NYC talking about “The Babymakers!”

Posted in: Breaking News, Celeb Photos, Comedians In The News, Comedy Clubs, Comedy Events, Comedy Festivals, Comedy Matters, Comedy Videos, Featured, General Information, New Films, Sketch Comedy, Weird News

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National Lampoon Posts GNN Story – Infant Genius Admitted To College

Gurian News Network, (GNN) is committed to bringing you the most unusual stories from around the globe that are missed by mainstream media. They are truly your source for “All The News That’s Fit To Dance To!”, and these stories are posted in National Lampoon, the largest and best known comedy brand on the planet.

Writer/reporter Jeffrey Gurian from GNN brings you “All The News That’s Fit To Dance To”, in this case ” Infant Genius Admitted to College!

In this story, a 10 month old infant named Wiley Marshall from Australia was born with the ability to speak fluent English, and in the delivery room thanked both his parents and the medical team for bringing him into the world, although he did chastise the doctor a little bit for slapping him on the back so hard.

Read all about it right here:

http://nationallampoon.com/articles/infant-genius-admitted-to-college

Other stories you may like are:

Man Removes Own Appendix Using Beer as Anesthetic :

http://nationallampoon.com/articles/man-removes-own-appendix-using-beer-as-anesthetic

Three Thousand Pound Man Sued By Landlord:

http://nationallampoon.com/articles/three-thousand-pound-man-sued-by-landlord

Cover of “Three Thousand Pound Man Sued By Landlord” a GNN story from Jeffrey Gurian in National Lampoon!

Congressmen Arrested For Towel Dancing:

http://nationallampoon.com/politics/congressmen-caught-towel-dancing

The “Articles” page of National Lampoon showing the Infant story and the Towel Dancing story!

Posted in: Breaking News, Comedians In The News, Comedy Clubs, Comedy Events, Comedy Matters, National Lampoon, Strange News, Unusual News, Weird News

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