Posts Tagged Anthony Jeselnik

Charlie Sheen Roast With Amy Schumer, Anthony Jeselnik, Patrice Oneal, Jeffrey Ross and more!

Everyone loves a Roast, and everyone, especially in the comedy community, was anxiously awaiting the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen! The jokes could basically write themselves. There was so much to use for inspiration. I wrote for the famed Friars Roasts for many years, but I have to say the level of humor then was nowhere near as cruel as it is today! There’s nothing left to say that is considered shocking anymore! It’s all been done, so now people say the most horrible things they can think of, and it passes for humor because no one has the balls to tell them it isn’t funny!

I won’t say which jokes I think that applies to! I’ll leave that up to you!

This Roast was produced by my old friend Jeffrey Ross who I know for a long time. Jeffrey’s become known as the Roastmaster General, which is very similar to being the Postmaster General. The Postmaster General is in charge of delivering the mail, and the Roastmaster General is in charge of delivering the funny! I wonder how much Jeffrey had to do with who the Roasters were.

Comedy Central V.P. JoAnn Grigioni, Jeffrey Gurian, and Jeffrey Ross at the after-party for the Donald Trump Roast!

He himself commented, ” Look at this dais. This lineup is so pathetic, I was hoping I’D get replaced by Ashton Kutcher!”

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Jeffrey Ross, somewhere cool back in 2004!

Ross about Sheen – Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up! ( Brilliant! )

He went on to say, ” Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez would have been here tonight, but they had a family obligation”!

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Jeffrey Ross at the Friars Club book party for Gurian’s book, ” Filthy, Funny, and Totally Offensive!”

Those are the kind of jokes I love. Clever, and funny but not cruel!

And then he asked Charlie about his kids, ” Don’t you wanna live to see their first 12 steps???” ( Hilarious! )

Greg Giraldo was missed, but was mentioned when Ross said about Anthony Jeselnik, ” Some say you’re the next Greg Giraldo. Let’s hope so!”

Also missed were Lisa Lampanelli who had another committment, and Gilbert Gottfried, who was committed!

Seth McFarlane is a great Roastmaster. He’s really found a niche for himself cause it’s a hard thing to do. I don’t know how much he writes himself, but his lines are sharp and he delivers them like he wrote them!

Seth McFarlane on TV when he hosted the Roast of Donald Trump!

I like his simple lines like ” Anthony Jeselnik’s act combines the excitement of standing there with the thrill of saying words!” That’s hysterical!

He followed it up by saying, ” You know him best by me saying his name right now! “

Anthony Jeselnik chillin’ at The Comic Strip after his set!

Seth on Mike Tyson – He’s beaten every opponent he’s gone up against so far, except the letter “S”!

Amy Schumer showed how she got on the dais with her clever lines:

Amy to Tyson – Mike Tython. Am I saying that right? You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face! Men don’t know whether to be scared of it, or finish on it! ( To his credit Tyson laughed at everything that was said about him! )

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Amy Schumer at Gotham Comedy Club!

Amy to Sheen – You are really so famous. It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls that were living with you, … your daughters! ( Very edgy! I think family members used to be considered out of bounds when we wrote the Friars Roasts!) I remember one joke I wrote that got side-lined about an honoree who was so neat he let other guys f**k his wife so he wouldn’t have to get his c**k all messy!

Jeffrey Gurian with a very dressy Amy Schumer, including what look like pearls, at Gotham Comedy Club!

Amy mentioned Patrice Oneal’s bout with Diabetes and said this was also a farewell party for Patrice’s foot, and told a joke where his grandmother was the brunt of the joke. It almost looked like Patrice winced at that one, which is hard to do!

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with his pal Patrice Oneal when Patrice was Jeffrey’s guest speaker at an event to create comedy workshops for inner city kids!

I was his co-host for a while on his Sirius Radio show The Black Phillip Show along with Dante Nero,who labeled me a “Level 12 Pimp”, a title I held proudly! (LOL) Patrice said he chose me not only because we got a long so well, and made for interesting partners, but because I was the only white man he ever met who knew all the words to AMG’s “Bitch Betta Have My Money!”

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Patrice Oneal at the Friars Club book party for Jeffrey’s book “FIlthy, Funny,and Totally Offensive.”

Check out some clips from the show here where Patrice is talking about me, and the beautiful girl I had with me, Jacqueline Beaulieu:

So again, there’s not many things that Patrice wouldn’t say, and I don’t know if I could even think of one, but I really think he winced at the grandmother joke!

But Amy took some unfair heat when referencing Ryan Dunn from Jackass who was killed in an auto accident, and was friends with Steve-O who was on the dais. She said, ” Sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan Dunn. You were thinking “it could have been me”, and we were all thinking, ” Why wasn’t it you?” Which doesn’t seem so harsh in light of the other things that were said, and remembering that it IS a Roast!

Seth McFarlane made jokes about Amy Winehouse, when writing Charlie Sheen’s make believe obituary, and no one said anything about that?

When Steve-O jumped face first into Mike Tyson’s fist and broke his nose, Seth said, ” That’s what it looks like when an asshole gets fisted!” No one’s that quick, so I guess that part was planned!

Anthony Jeselnik has such an unusual delivery. I can’t exactly explain what it is, but it’s great. It gives him the ability to say things you would never expect him to say. They said he’s dating Amy Schumer. I can see that happening! I think it works comedically as well as socially!

Anthony to Sheen – “The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because G-d hates Michael J. Fox!”

Patrice Oneal is like a philosopher. He does best when he has time to develop his premises of which he has many! He did great on the Roast when he told Seth McFarlane that he needs a partner to bring down his ego, like Hanna-Barbera had, like when Hanna thought he was bigger than Yogi and Barbera had to slap the shit out of him!

He also advised Seth to just come out and admit that he’s gay! He said ” No straight guy writes that many show tunes!”

You have to have a thick skin to be a Roaster or a Roastee! Everyone present gets what’s coming to them, … whether they deserve it or not!!!

Check out the previous post on Jeffrey Ross producing the Roast at:

Posted in: Celeb Photos, Comedians In The News, Comedy Events, Comedy Matters, Comedy Videos, Featured, Nightlife Events, Page 6 Review, Red Carpet Events

Leave a Comment (1) →

Anthony Jeselnik on Comedy Matters TV From The Just For Laughs Festival In Montreal

Anthony Jeselnik came across my comedy radar a while ago, and I was a fan right away. Something about his demeanor, his delivery and the cleverness of his lines, however dark, makes him stand out amongst the others. I always enjoy seeing him perform and I run into him quite often at The Comic Strip!

Anthony Jeselnik at The Comic Strip!

It was exciting to see him make his debut at The Donald Trump Roast on Comedy Central, and I interviewed him on the red carpet. He’s had his own half hour special on Comedy Central and has appeared on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Late Night With Conan O’Brien, Last Call With Carson Daly, and was voted by Variety as one of their 10 Top Comics To Watch up in Montreal at the Just For Laughs Festival. That may have been where we first met. The video below is of the red carpet at the Donald Trump Roast, with Anthony, Lisa Lampanelli, Amy Schumer, Doug Herzog, Ice-T and many more!

Comedy Central featured him on their “Hotlist” as one of the hottest comics of the year in 2009, and his first album “Shakespeare” was voted Comedy Album Of The Year by Punchline Magazine. I see Anthony a lot at The Comic Strip!

Check out the video interview with Anthony and Amy Schumer at this year’s Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal!

Posted in: Celeb Photos, Comedians In The News, Comedy Events, Comedy Matters, Comedy Videos, Featured, Page 6 Review, Press Junkets, Red Carpet Events

Leave a Comment (0) →

Amy Schumer On Curb, and Voted One of Top Ten Comics To Watch in Montreal

As far as I’m concerned,(and no one actually know how far that is!), it’s an accepted fact that Amy Schumer is on her way to doing very big things in comedy. She already has, as a matter of fact. She’s the darling of Comedy Central, she’s on HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm tonight, and will be performing on the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen on Monday Sept. 19th. And I think she’s GREAT!

Jeffrey Gurian and Amy Schumer in their Abercrombie and Fitch shoot at Gotham Comedy Club!

When I saw her recently at the 29th annual Just For Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal, which is the biggest and most famous comedy festival in the world, she was voted by Variety as one of the Top 10 Comics To Watch.

Jeffrey Gurian with Amy Schumer in pearls, at a comedy event at Gotham!

She was a finalist on Last Comic Standing, and recently released “Cutting” on Comedy Central Records, which I have a feeling is not about cutting school! She did a comedy special for Comedy Central Presents in the Spring of 2010, and just filmed a movie with Steve Carell called “Seeking A Friend For The End of the World.”

The cover photo of Amy Schumer on her Comedy Central album "Cutting." Really hot!

She’s got a recurring role on Adult Swim’s mocumentary series “Delocated”, and has performed on both “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon”, and ” John Oliver’s New York Stand-Up Show.”

Amy mixes funny and sexy and her lines are very clever. What’s nice, from a comedy writer’s point of view, is that they’re not predictable. That to me is real talent!

I love writing about Amy and watching her star rise. She’s in my sizzle reel and in the little video with Jon Stewart, Kristen Schaal, Louis CK, Lisa Lampanelli, Colin Quinn, Richard Lewis, and more on “Who Watches Comedy Matters”.(Below)


When I caught up with Amy in Montreal we shot this cool little video with our mutual friend, and fellow comic fave Anthony Jeselnik. Check it out here!

Posted in: Celeb Photos, Comedians In The News, Comedy Events, Comedy Matters, Comedy Videos, Featured, Nightlife Events, Press Junkets, Red Carpet Events

Leave a Comment (0) →

Gilbert Gottfried Tsunami With AFLAC

Last night I was at a show produced by Scott Kluge for the Birthright Israel Foundation, a wonderful educational program that sends young Jewish adults on all expense paid trips to Israel, to diminish the growing division between Israel and Jewish communities around the world, and to strengthen the sense of solidarity among world Jewry.

It was a star-studded show with two of the funniest Jews I know, Gilbert Gottfried who was the host, and Dave Attell who performed along with an all star Broadway cast.  Associate Producer was my good pal comedian Ray Ellin and the hilarious Dan Naturman was a writer on the show.

(L-R) Ray Ellin, Scott Kluge, and Dan Naturman backstage at The Hudson Theatre.

Gilbert read the story of Purim putting in his own hilarious facts like Nebuchadnezzar not being able to get online, and change his status on his Facebook page.  In between he would introduce the next act, and then go back to his readings.  It looked like he was reading from The Torah.

Gilbert, in his best red shirt, looking like he was reading out of The Torah, onstage at The Hudson Theatre.

Dave Attell came out looking like a Russian peddler from the early 20th century, which is a look he pulls off well.  He was his usual hysterical self, and had lots of Jewish humor.  I wasn’t taking notes as I usually do but I believe when talking about brisket he said, ” I don’t think any kind of meat should be wetter than the front row of seats at a Justin Bieber concert.”

Dave Attell looking like he was auditioning for a part in Fiddler On The Roof

And then it got raunchier and the audience loved it!

In the all-star Broadway cast was Mitchell Jarvis, Nick Adams from the brand new Priscilla Queen of the Desert, (which I almost wrote as “Queen of the Dessert”, … which could be about Lisa Lampanelli before she lost all the weight!); Curtis Holbrook from West Side Story, Kelli Barrett from Baby It’s You, Garrett Long from South Pacific, Rachel Potter from The Addams Family, and my good friend, the beautiful and talented J.Elaine Marcos, also from the show opening next Sunday, Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

J.Elaine as she started out her number fully dressed!

J.Elaine came out on stage and did a number that was so sexy and adorable.  She sang in an accent, and danced around while taking off her clothes to the delight of the audience.  First her sweater, then her blouse, and just as she reached behind her to unclasp her bra, … the lights went out!

J.Elaine beginning to disrobe on stage during her number!

J. Elaine just about to undo the clasp of her pretty pink bra!

J. Elaine and I had met years before in a comedy class and she has always been very funny. Sexy and funny is a difficult mix but she manages to pull it off.  She’s also been in in Chorus Line,(which I saw and she was fantastic), The Wedding Singer, Sweet Charity, and Flower Drum Song, among others.

J.Elaine Marcos and Jeffrey Gurian both completely dressed backstage after the show!

She was as shocked to see me backstage as I was to see her onstage!

J. Elaine handling "the big pen" with great dexterity and ease!

Anyway,  I’m sitting enjoying the show when all of a sudden I get a text from my fabulous PR team Goldman-McCormick asking me if I could do a radio spot at 10:07 about Gilbert Gottfried being let go as the voice of the AFLAC duck, for what they felt were insensitive Tweets made regarding the devastation in Japan.

I was like,” I’m here with him now.”  Basically that can’t even happen!  What are the odds that someone would want to talk to you about someone you were with at the moment?

When the show ended I went backstage to see Gilbert, which I would have done anyway,because he has always been my favorite comedian, and he knows that.

I’ve been telling him that for years.  He was with his wife Dara, and I had just seen them last week at the taping of the Donald Trump Roast airing tonight at 10:30 on Comedy Central, btw!

I asked him if he wanted to come on the radio with me, but he told me that I could speak about it for him.  I could tell he felt badly about what happened.  Gilbert doesn’t have a mean bone in his body.  He might not offer to buy you a drink, but he would never purposely hurt anyone.

People who love Gilbert know what he does.  Not only does he push the envelope, he tears it to shreds.  Look at his performance in The Aristocrats. When Gilbert goes off the deep end, nobody can go any deeper.

Comedians see the world in a different way than most people.  That’s what allows them to see the humor that other people overlook.

Unless you’re there to see if for yourself, no one can possibly grasp the horror of a cataclysmic event like the one that happened in Japan.  You can’t really wrap your mind around it.  It’s too big.

Plus, people don’t have the capacity to feel other people’s pain.  It’s a blessing and a curse at the same time.  We would probably be incapacitated, and catatonic if we felt what other people were feeling.

It might also make for a kinder world, if people knew how their words affected others.  Children can be very cruel as we all remember from our early days in school.  They think it’s fun to single out one person and make their life utterly miserable.  I know I did it too, and I cringe today when I think about it.

Comics are very often extremely socially awkward and not well versed in social graces. They’re the first to admit that they were the guys, ( and girls!), who didn’t exactly fit in in high school.  Many were self-described nerds.  They used comedy to survive, and so their personalities only exist on stage.  Off stage they’re often very quiet, and even very shy, which is hard to believe when you see how animated and funny they are on stage.

They learn to say anything to get a laugh and often at other people’s expense. Shock value is getting harder to find because it’s all been said and done already.

Anyway, as of the time of the writing of this entry, I’ve already done two big radio shows about this today with two more scheduled.  I did the Bob Dutko Show on WMUZ coming out of Detroit, which is a Christian Radio station, and that was lots of fun.

The Bob Dutko Show WMUZ out of Detroit! Really fun show to do!!!

Until I told the producer Jan Foxx, that her last name was like a porn star! (LOL) When I realized that I had just said that to someone on Christian radio I felt very badly, and corrected myself.  I said Foxx with 2 “X’s” is like a rock star, like Nikki Sixx.  Foxxx with 3 “X’s” would be like a porn star!  She said I was very funny!  Thank G-d! (LOL)

The Big 810 show with Ed Tyll out of Orlando, Florida. Ed's a great host!

Then I did The Big 810 out of Orlando, Florida with Ed Tyll, on WEUS, and we spoke for quite a while on the mindset of comics and how they think.  Also, AFLAC has a tremendous business in Japan and for that reason alone could not take a chance and alienate anyone, despite the fact of how much they like Gilbert.

Gilbert has been open about his apologies and has posted them on Twitter, like the ones below.

“I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.”6 hours ago · reply

“I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan.”6 hours ago · reply

So all in all it was a busy day, and I’m learning to like this blogging thing. People have been telling me for years that I should be blogging, but I didn’t get the significance of it till last week!  Now I can’t stop.  It’s addicting!!!

Let me know your thoughts on the Gilbert/AFLAC Tsunami thing.  Curious to hear your take on it.

 

Posted in: Celeb Photos, Comedians In The News, Comedy Events, Comedy Matters, Hot Models, Nightlife Events

Leave a Comment (0) →

Preview Video On The Red Carpet of Tonight's Comedy Central Donald Trump Roast

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters was on the red carpet at the taping of Comedy Central’s Roast of Donald Trump, taping the arrivals and speaking with Roasters Jeffrey Ross, Lisa Lampanelli, Anthony Jeselnik, Whitney Cummings, Snoop Dogg, Marlee Matlin,and guests like comic/TV host Amy Schumer, Actor Ice-T and his wife Coco, Russell Simmons, and even MTV President Doug Herzog.  And Gilbert Gottfried was the surprise guest! This is a follow-up to an earlier story posted last week.

Watch the Roast and leave a comment below letting me know what you thought of it, who was the best Roaster, and what jokes you liked best and I’ll feature my favorite comments on the blog! Thanks!!!

Posted in: Celeb Photos, Comedians In The News, Comedy Events, Comedy Matters, Hot Models, Nightlife Events, Red Carpet Events

Leave a Comment (1) →

Comedy Central's Donald Trump Roast

Last night at Manhattan Center on West 34th Street Comedy Central went all out on the Roast of Donald Trump. Even The Donald said they paid him a lot of money to encourage him to subject himself to another Roast, after he survived the one from The Friars Club.

He’s donating all the money to charity. I happened to see him just before the Friars Roast and he asked me,” Do you think I’ll be able to handle it?” And I said to him, ” Donald, if anyone can it’s YOU!”

So it was candy-filled gold coins, gold balloons on the ceiling, gold lame pillow cushions wherever you sat. It was all about money and rightfully so when you’re talking about The Donald, one of the most well known billionaires on the planet.

Donald Trump making a point at his Comedy Central Roast.

As you might imagine it drew a star studded audience, starting with Doug Herzog who you will see me talking to in the video that’s coming in the next few days. Doug is currently serving as President of MTV Networks Entertainment Group. Among other things, he is credited with bringing South Park, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report to Viacom’s Comedy Central, and he’s a good friend of my buddy Richie Tienken, who owns The Comic Strip, which is how I met Doug, when he came to an event at The Strip.

 

RIchie Tienken, Doug Herzog, and Bob Wachs at The Comic Strip

On the dais were Whitney Cummings, Snoop Dogg, Anthony Jeselnik, Larry King, Lisa Lampanelli, Marlee Matlin, Mike ” The Situation” Sorrentino, and Jeffrey Ross. Also in attendance were Ivanka Trump, Russell Simmons, John Legend, Donald’s beautiful wife Melania, and Comedy Central executive, V.P. JoAnn Grigioni.

Aileen Budow, the head of press, was in charge of running the red carpet which she did so well, ( as always!) and was helped by newcomer to Comedy Central,  Eve Kenny.

JoAnn Grigioni, Jeffrey Gurian, and Jeffrey Ross at the after-party for the Trump Roast at Gotham Hall

I was hoping to see my buddy Don Trump Jr. who once told me that he appreciated the fact that when I wrote about him, I didn’t write anything snarky.

The beautiful Melania Trump enjoying seeing her husband Donald taking a severe beating!

I explained to him that I only like to put positive energy out to the world. There’s enough negative energy out there without me having to add to it, and that led to us becoming friends.

One night at an event where his father was present, he suggested to me that I don’t do something I was planning to do. I have this thing where I like to go up to a very rich man, and in the process of thanking him for something, fold a dollar into his hand as if I was giving him a tip. They call it ” palming” the guy. Something you might do to a doorman, not a billionaire. And it always strikes me funny, and after the initial shock of being tipped a single dollar, they usually think it’s funny too.

So when I told Don Jr. I wanted to do that to his Dad, he cautioned me against it. He said he wasn’t sure how well it would go over, and I took his word for it, and didn’t do it. Every once in a while, I listen to another person. Not often, … but every once in a while.

Anyway, when I write about comedy shows or performers, if I don’t like what you do, I just don’t write about it. I don’t write negative things, because as a performer myself, I really respect how hard it is for anyone to get out on stage and try to make people laugh. Some people just do it better than others. But it’s basically the hardest thing in the world to do.

I saw a well known performer at the South Beach Comedy Festival last year who did a show that actually made me angry. That’s how much I hated it. But when I wrote my column, I bit my tongue and didn’t mention it at all. His audience seemed to like it, but I thought it was so bad I actually left in a bad mood, and it stayed with me for a while.

That being said, Mike ‘The Situation” Sorrentino found himself in a very difficult situation to say the least. Having to compete with hardened, experienced comics is basically impossible, but he kept laughing through the whole, painful thing, which is how I am characterizing his set. You have to give the guy credit for even attempting something so difficult.

Finally Jeffrey Ross jumped up and gave him a few pointers on camera. I’m sure that will be edited out, as will a good portion of the Sitch’s performance. I wonder if he used the Comedy Central writers.  I ran into two of them, Kevin Schini and my buddy Jesse Joyce.

Roast writers Kevin Schini (L) and my buddy Jesse Joyce.

it was so great to see Lisa Lampanelli. I LOVE Lisa Lampanelli and when she saw me and went to introduce me to her husband Jimmy, she actually remembered he and I had already met, which was very interesting to me. She said, ” you guys met at my book party at Carolines.” It was for her book,”Chocolate Please!- My Adventures In Food, Fat, and Freaks” which I think came out in 2009. She remembered that I came out to support her, which I think is very important to do for your friends. You need to get out and support people in their efforts.

Lisa Lampanelli and Jeffrey at the Comedy Central Donald Trump Roast

And it shows how people remember those things, because I didn’t think she would. And she was right. I did meet Jimmy that day and they weren’t married yet, just engaged, but we all took pictures together, so we could prove she was dating someone white, (LOL).

It really shows how some people appreciate and remember those who come out to support them. And hopefully she’ll drop by my fundraiser to fight Diabetes on April 14th ay 8 P.M. at The Comic Strip. She said if she was in town she’d be glad to come.

Big Jimmy and Little Lisa at the Donald Trump Roast at the Manhattan Center

Some of the highlights:

Seth on Trump – Now there’s a Donald Trump cologne that never fails with women. You pour it on a cloth and hold it over her face until she stops struggling.

Seth on Lisa Lampanelli – Lisa recently appeared on The View, and blocked it! ( Lisa by the way looks fantastic. She must have lost a hundred pounds, and is blonde and pretty, and she has her new husband Jimmy with her at all times. Jimmy is like a building with clothing. He’s a really big guy, and they look great and very happy together.)

The very competent and confident Seth MacFarlane who was the Roast Master for the Donald Trump Roast.

Seth on Larry King – Seth referred to Larry as ” a chattering pirate skeleton, on loan from Disneyland.”

Lisa led off the Roast which is a hard place to be, but she killed it as always. She referrred to Anthony Jeselnek as Anthony Jism-neck, and Seth said that Anthony was only there because Greg Giraldo was dead. On the red carpet, Anthony told me he wrote for the Roast last year, and this year got a chance to perform.

Lisa on Jeff Ross – Jeff is in as much demand as the treadmill in Zsa Zsa Gabor’s house.

Jeffrey Ross sporting a hairstyle stranger than mine! He looks like Moammar Khadaffy did his hair, using his hat to guide the shape.

Lisa on Trump – You’ve ruined more women’s lives than Bulimia.

Lisa on The Situation – The Situation wrote a book which is being sold on Amazon. When you bring up the book it says, ” People who have bought this book have also bought a rope and a stool.”

Larry King looked almost too thin to speak. He referred to Lisa Lampanelli as Lisa Lumpbelly.

Larry On Lisa – She’s a shock comic, but only if you look at her face!

Larry on Snoop – Snoop had a DNA test and found out he’s only 71% black. That means he’s 29% not guilty!

Snoop referred to Lisa as Notorious P.I.G. which was hysterical, and referred to Anthony Jeselnik as “Anthony Jizzleneck”.

Snoop on Anthony – The last time I saw him on the mic he forgot to order my Chicken McNuggets.

Snoop on Donald – He’s rich but very cheap. The last check ( Czech) he ever picked up was Ivana!

Snoop on Donald – He wants the White House. Why not? It wouldn’t be the first time he put a Black family out of their house.

Seth on The Situation – We wanna thank The Pope for that marvelous speech.

Seth on Whitney Cummings – She wrote a new book ” How To Succeed in Business Without Really Swallowing.”

Anthony Jeselnik is a great joke writer. He said, “Look at this dais. You got a pimp, a drug dealer, a pornographer, a murderer, and 8 white people.”

Anthony on Larry King – Larry’s so old, he’s actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

Anthony on The Sitch – Mike Sorrentino, sometimes known as The Situation. Never known as The Education. He has a book, a video, a tanning salon, … he has his name on everything but a high school diploma.

Marlee Matlin is on the new season of Celebrity Apprentice, and she is so charming and beautiful. When I interviewed her on the red carpet she had a “signer” who translated everything she said so fast you’d think she was speaking. He also sat next to her on the dais translating every dirty word!

Marlee Matlin and her new signer Gilbert Gottfried. She can't hear and he can't see because his eyes are always closed!

Marlee on Jeff Ross – You’re like bedbugs. People can’t get rid of you and they scream when they see you in bed!

Marlee on Lisa – We have a lot in common. I won an Academy Award and you won for Best in Breed at The County Fair.

In the middle of her set, Marlee’s signer walked off as if he was angry and was replaced by my favorite comedian in the world, Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert just has to show up to be hysterical, and his jokes are always like depth charges. They destroy the room!

Jeffrey Ross closed the show and came out wearing a signature jacket befitting the Roastmaster General. with medals and epaulets, and something about it reminded me of something that Georgie Jessel might have worn. I’m concerned that no one will know who Georgie Jessel is.  He was a comedian during The Civil War.  I think his original name was Georgie Jeselnik, but he changed it to Jessel for show business reasons.

Jeffrey to Russell Simmons – Are you here for the Roast or to sign Marlee Matlin to Def Comedy Jam? ( Note – She’s deaf! )

Russell Simmons and his date enjoying the festivities at The Donald Trump Roast.

Jeffrey on Larry King – The first time he did an interview in Egypt was with Moses. He plans to spend his retirement opening a jar! ( Hysterical!)

Jeffrey on Whitney – ( Whitney by the way is the brunt of a lot of sex jokes in which she plays “the slut”! She’s a sexy girl who seems to do it naturally!) Whitney is working on three pilots at the same time, and that was just on the flight in!

Jeffrey on The Situation – We should call you “The Penetration.” I’m waiting for “The Cancellation!” I heard you’re shooting the next season of Jersey Shore in Italy. I hope that’s just a sneaky way of deporting you!

And finally The Donald got his turn and had some really funny things to say. Btw, I hope he runs for President. I think he’d be amazing, and would put the country back on track. That being said, …

Trump – What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight!

Trump about the dais – Look at this dais. None of these people can even get arrested, .. except for Snoop Dogg.

It was a great fun night and I can’t wait to show you all the video as soon it’s done being edited.

Please add your comments and follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/jeffreygurian

Posted in: Celeb Photos, Comedians In The News, Comedy Events, Comedy Matters, Nightlife Events, Red Carpet Events

Leave a Comment (0) →