Posts Tagged schmucks

When The Light Turns Green, …. MOVE SCHMUCK!!!

As a driver who usually has a destination when I get into the car, I’m constantly baffled by the number of people who don’t fucking move when the light turns green. I personally hate red lights. They are the bane of my existence, so when the light turns green I step on the gas right away so I can continue towards my destination. It’s the reason I got into my car in the first place! I have someplace to go!

I don’t just suddenly find my self in my car not knowing how I got there, and with no place to go! Who are these other fucking morons who seem to be on a tour! Are there actually people who get into their cars with nowhere to go? Just cruising around Manhattan? Not these days, especially with the price of gas!

Which is why I can’t figure out the people who sit at a green light.

The light turns red and they start reading a book, or planning their next vacation. It turns back to green,and they stay lost in thought, until suddenly it dawns on them that they’re in a car and have someplace to go. Very often that doesn’t happen until I honk my horn, and wake them the fuck up!

And I’m not one of those lunatics who honks the horn second the light changes, but if five seconds passes by and you haven’t begun to move yet, you’ve basically lost touch with reality, and are no longer cognizant of the fact that you’re on your way somewhere. Red lights are just to let the other guys go, not for you to detach from reality!

That’s why we have traffic! Because too many drivers are stupid! In every traffic jam there has to be a first car? if that car never slowed down, there’d be no traffic, so except for the event of an accident or road closure, traffic is basically due to stupidity and to people with slow reflexes, who can’t figure out what to do when one lane closes and merges into another.

Their synapses are not firing the way they’re supposed to, so they have to stop and stare, basically waiting for a “Stop” sign to change to “Go.”

So stay aware, and keep your foot near the gas so when the red light is finished being red, you can progress on your merry way and not drive other people crazy! It’s New York dammit, MOVE!!!

Posted in: Point of View, Politics, Self Help Information

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Stop Kicking My Seat Or I'll Kill You!

Most of Comedy Matters is about celebs, and the comedy world, but I also want to include my own personal viewpoints on different subjects.  Subjects that are meaningful to me.  Like some schmuck who won’t stop kicking the back of your seat!  That drives me crazy!

Have you ever been in a theatre or at a talk or presentation of some kind and some idiot behind you keeps kicking your seat?  The first time, you just write if off. It can happen to anyone.  Just an accident.  Maybe even the second time, but by the third time you want to rip the guys leg off, and shove it up his ass.

How can’t you not notice that your foot is hitting something hard?  What are you fucking numb?  What did you go to a foot dentist, and get Novocaine injections into your feet, so they have no feeling?

I say it’s impossible to keep kicking another person’s seat without realizing that you’re doing it.  You simply HAVE TO know that your foot is making contact with another object.  Unless you’re dead, no one can be that detached.

The thing is they just don’t care.  It’s self-centeredness, pure and simple.  I was at a meeting the other day, and trying to pay attention when the kicking started.  The first time I didn’t say anything.  Nor did I say anything the second time, but when it started happening with a kind of rhythym, as if he was keeping time to some imaginary song in his head, using the back of my seat as a drum pad, I turned my head sharply as if to scold the guy, ( and it’s usually a guy!) thinking he’d see my action and realize the error of his ways.

I got a glance at the schmuck.  He was tall, and thin, with a very strange look on his face, and was sitting in his seat at a weird angle,  like a woman with one leg dangling over the other, the way most men can’t do because they have “an appendage” in the way.  Not this guy.  He didn’t seem to have that problem.

He was sitting there, as I said, on this weird kind of an angle, as if he was the tallest man in the world, and just couldn’t possibly fit his immense frame into the confines of the space of just one seat.

He had to branch out into other people’s spaces, while making little kicking motions with his foot, that ended up on the back of my chair.  Finally when I could take it no more, I turned to him and said directly into his face, ” Can you PLEASE stop kicking my seat?”

He made some kind of conciliatory expression as if I was asking too much of him, but he’d try his best to comply with my outrageous demand. It absolutely infuriates me that someone can be so callous, and so fucking numb that they can’t tell what an enormous bother they’re being to someone else.

I pictured myself having a long sword and turning around and saying,” I know and appreciate the fact that you’re very tall, but if you kick my seat one more time, I’m gonna chop off you’re fucking leg, you dweeb!

The whole rest of the meeting I was on edge expecting him to kick it again, and thinking of what I would do if he did, because after all he WAS the tallest man in the world, and a regular person’s space could not possibly be enough for him, but then as the meeting ended, and there were no more kicks, I felt vindicated, only to get up and see that the reason there were no more kicks was because he had left early, and took his numb fucking leg with him.

Posted in: Comedy Events, Comedy Matters, Point of View

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